I love you.
I know I’ve left you wondering, many times, if I really did, and how much.
I know I’ve confused you by playing hot and cold. Coming around, so engaging, playful, affectionate, and then closing off, retreating into myself, becoming stand-offish and reserved. I have drawn you in, and then pulled back. I’ve withheld the best of me, yet kept dangling the proverbial carrot. You’ve never really known where you stood with me. I’m sorry.
I am working on changing that. You’ve always been there for me, it is time I do the same for you. Completing the 33 Days of Truth challenge was a step in the right direction. Opening up to you, sharing my private thoughts and feelings, speaking my truth. Giving you my heart. Fully and without fear.
You have always had my best interest at heart. I know that now. Even when I thought you weren’t giving what I needed, when I was suspicious of you and blamed you for hurting me, you were still being true and loyal and caring, loving me as much as I would allow. I just couldn’t see it. I thought many times you left me empty handed and alone, when it was I who didn’t reach out and I who pushed you away. Again, I’m sorry.
I am writing to tell you I don’t intend to do that again. I commit 100%, to us, to our creative, collaborative partnership.
We’ve both made mistakes, but I take responsibility for messing things up by not communicating honestly with you in the past, making it a lot harder for us than it ever needed to be. I erroneously assumed you knew me and what I wanted better than I did. It wasn’t fair to put so much pressure on you. Please accept my apology.
I’ve been scared to give myself to you. I’m not scared anymore.
My heart is in your hands, dear Life. I trust you with it. In spite of the times that I’ve turned from you and cut you off, I hope you can forgive me, and learn to trust me, too.
You have respectfully given me space whenever I needed it. Thank you for that. I may still need a little bit of breathing room now and then, and I will tell you when. But I will stay within reach. If ever you can’t feel my heartbeat, tell me. I’ll come closer. Wrap my arms around you. And remind you how I love you.
And Life, I love everything about you! Your beauty, your flaws, your darkness, your brightness. You’re so mysterious, intriguing, delightful. You’re so familiar, comforting, like home sweet home. I belong here with you. There is no place I’d rather be.
I love it when you smile at me, with the warmth and radiance of the sun rising. I love when you make me laugh, when we are silly and having fun together. I love when you look at me, and the light of you dances in my eyes. I love when the time we spend in each others presence just flows, when every moment seems to sparkle with a special magic, and everyone around us can see how in love we are.
Let’s do this: Let’s grow together into the best we can be, and create a deeply loving, nurturing, conscious, and trusting relationship, that can withstand every storm, every challenge, every change. It’s what you have always wanted to have with me, and I said I wanted it too while I kept one foot from the door. I’m over that threshold now. Jumping with both feet. I’m all in.
Remember when you tried to give me the world? May I dare to have the audacity to ask for it again? With my heart and arms open, I’m ready for it this time.
Dear sweet Life, I am yours. Body, mind, heart, and spirit. Take me as I am, and I’ll give you everything I’ve got in return.