Insecurity

33 Days of Truth: Day 1

Insecurity

Without being entirely sure why (albeit with many a theory), I was overwhelmed with insecurity yesterday. To an extreme degree.

Throughout the morning and afternoon, I was judging myself through my own and others’ eyes, disliking myself, feeling emotionally fragile, and just deeply discouraged from the sense that I haven’t become a better version of me over the years. I’ve just been kind of more of the same me; and in some regards I’ve unraveled and deteriorated into an even lesser version. Ouch.

I was processing these matters when the thought struck me that I’ve never really felt safe sharing my true feelings. I’ve known this, but the awareness was somehow different. It came through, fresh, sharp and crystalline. The day’s inexplicably strong dose of insecurity suddenly hit home, allowing me to see the truth more clearly than I had before. I’m afraid and feel unable to be openly, freely, easily myself.

I’m a private person by nature. I withhold expression of my inner world and personal experiences by default because, deep down, I haven’t quite trusted the world “out there” to view me with the same openness and compassion that I perceive it with. I’m overly sensitive to how I may be perceived, concerned it will be inaccurate. I’m also highly sensitive to what others need or want from me. I’m trying to appease and protect everyone. I think.

There seems constantly to be too much to say, more than I can sufficiently put into words, so by and large I’ve kept silent on many issues and personal aspects. I’ve made attempts at changing this, through both blogging and video, but it hasn’t been consistent. There are still things inside of me that are practically gasping for air, they are so desperate to be released, to be shared and known.

Realizing anew how I’ve been afraid to reveal my self and be vulnerable, I’m seeing how it’s held me back from moving forward in life. To get unstuck, and to become who I want to be, I have to be who I really am. Completely, honestly, openly. 

Truth, as the saying goes, will set me free. 

That’s when and how the idea for the 33 Days of Truth landed softly into my mind. My day of insecurity lead to intriguing, daring questions that arose with a gentle yet insistent force:

What if I were to do what I’m most afraid of? 

What if I turned myself inside out to the world, and actually tested my fear of being criticized, judged, misunderstood, and rejected? 

What if I were to expose my deeper self and flaws and convictions, and stepped forward in the most honest, real, and authentic way possible? 

What if, in every way, I told the truth about myself and my life?

The thought took root immediately.

“Your challenge, if you choose to accept it…” 

Challenge… Accepted. 😉

I had already accepted it, last night, but this morning I opened up my email to find a highly validating message from JP Sears (the “Ultra Spiritual” comedian) who wrote,

“Your self-confidence can only be as high as your vulnerability runs deep. This means stop denying your insecurities, because that’s really just being insecure about your insecurities. Instead, leaning into them, looking them in the eyes, feeling them, and being honest about them puts you into a posture of being secure with your insecurities. YES, that means your insecurities can be exactly what grows more security for you. And when you exchange being insecure about your insecurities for being secure with your insecurities (because you’re being vulnerable), your TRUE self-confidence grows. Please take that and do something with it.”

…Like a 33 day personal truth challenge? 

O-K! 😀

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