33 Days of Truth: Day 30
Day 30 of my 33 Days of Truth challenge. I have officially written every single day for a month! Woohoo!
That by itself is such a huge breakthrough for me. After a lifetime of holding back and struggling with my creative self-expression, this is by far the most progress I have ever made as a writer.
Not only with all that back to back writing, but also writing about subjects past and present that are personal, sharing vulnerable and authentic aspects of myself. It’s been quite a growth experience.
The last two posts were by far the most vulnerable for me to share. I struggled to gather my thoughts for The Great Wait, and hesitated continuing on with Over the Hump. I definitely had to overcome some resistance and fear of finally letting this story of mine go. The story of a girl waiting for love and intimacy. Over it! But, now that it’s out, I feel relieved.
I have one final installment to make with that story, to turn it into a trilogy of honest proportions. I set the stage, made it through the woods, and now, the denouement…
The letting go.
Even after the whole virginity dilemma was resolved, I was still waiting for love. As shared previously, I fell for someone who was everything I had searched and hoped to find, but he was unavailable. Trying to get over that heartache was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
I secretly clung to the tenuous hope that circumstances would change and that person could possibly end up with me. After waiting so damn long to make a special, magical, every-level connection like the one I felt with him, letting go felt nearly impossible.
Still, I moved on as best I could. I started dating, I finally had sex (yay!). I explored new possibility and other connections. All paled by comparison. They were good, but my heart was elsewhere. Stuck in the waiting room.
Two things contributed to getting me out of that room. The first was songwriting, which I want to talk about in depth so will save that for a different post. But the gist is that being able to put my emotions into words, and into music, was incredibly healing. A form of release that was very much needed.
The second thing was meeting a great person, realizing there was no meaningful emotional connection, and that I would be unable to make one until I closed the door to my past.
I had tried, for years, to do it on my own. I made some progress, but it could take years more at the rate I was going. I conceded defeat. The silence I had maintained needed to be broken. I reached out to the person I was in love with, told him how I felt, and asked for closure.
He answered as I knew he would, as I expected and sensed all along, yet that knowing had never been enough for me to fully let go. Expressing my truth, and receiving his in return, directly, was enough. It changed everything. It didn’t stop the feelings, but it allowed me to accept where we both stood. Separate and apart. Suddenly, I was free. My future was mine again. My heart could go on. (Teehee, Titanic…)
Now here we are. I have yet to be with someone that I’m in love with. And, I’m ok with that. I’m ok, because I’m not waiting for it anymore. I trust that eventually, the right heart connection will happen and the whole thing will fall into place just as easily and beautifully as the physical stuff did.
In the meantime, I’m working to create the self of my dreams. Cultivating a deeper relationship with life itself. Not holding back, or keeping everything in, or waiting for the right time, or the right person. There’s no time like the present, and I am the right person for it. Onward I go.
Remember that writing prompt I mentioned about telling your life story in six words? Here’s my new story:
The great wait ends. Life begins.