33 Days of Truth: Day 29
Over the Hump
Day 29 of my 33 Days of Truth challenge! Ok, technically I’m supposed to be on day 30 and running behind. But my last post, The Great Wait, took a lot more time and energy to write than any others, and I had to take an additional day to finish it. Oh well…
In it I talked about my long history of waiting for love and physical intimacy; how I stumbled my way into the game much later than most, as an intentional late bloomer with strong values and high expectations for how it would all play out.
Writing the post, as I reflected back on the many years of struggle I went through, I couldn’t help but feel great empathy for my past self. And be slightly amused by her, too. All I could think was, “Dang girl, get a therapist!” (It’s always easy to laugh at things after the fact! LOL)
But, that is exactly what I did. I got a therapist.
There came a moment when the desperation of my dilemma, the waiting that consumed my life, was finally too much to bear. Of all things, and this is going to be kind of embarrassing to admit, the catalyst was watching The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
In the movie there is a little scene set in Greece, when one of the main characters is on a date with a guy, out in his boat on a beautiful moonlit night. They have a heartfelt conversation and then have their first kiss. It is sweet and romantic and oh so Hollywood, and I’d watched it before. But this particular time, for some reason, I completely came undone. I bawled my eyes out. (I know, embarrassing!)
What got me was just wanting so badly to connect with someone like that, to open up, to fall in love, and meanwhile feeling acutely how I never had, and as though I never would. I yearned with my whole being to have the freedom to touch without resistance, and to talk without fearing where the conversation would go. I was so over missing out on passion and intimacy because of still being a virgin. I felt utterly trapped in my own story, and I wanted to be released from it.
I realized there was simply too much to deal with on my own. I needed somebody with an outside perspective to help me get a grip on the whole thing, to sort it all and figure out how to finally move forward.
After wiping the tears from my eyes, tears which seemed to have cleansed me of years of holding back, I flipped open my laptop. I searched on Google, found a web-based counseling site (BetterHelp) and signed up. I matched with a counselor, and the unraveling began.
Having a professional to provide feedback and guidance allowed me to effectively navigate through my personal history, make sense of it all, gain fresh perspective, and remove the biggest blocks that stopped me from experiencing what I wanted.
The service was great, but I don’t think I would have gotten so much out of it if I hadn’t been absolutely open. I shared everything. I held nothing back. From that work I was able to reach the understanding that I had used my body to protect my heart. It was a profound “aha”. I concluded that if I could get over the hurdle of sex, move beyond the virginity issue, my heart would have a much better chance of letting go, too.
Through the counseling process, I quickly began to feel lighter and freer. The burden of my past was slipping off like an old skin. I found that I just wanted to play, to have fun. I joined a dating app (Tinder, if you must know!), and met someone who was the most perfect person imaginable to experience my first with. He was kind of a unicorn. It was magical. I’m still in awe.
We only dated for a few short weeks. We were not compatible as long term partners. But, in the bedroom, he was a true godsend. It wasn’t just that he was physically experienced. He was highly emotionally attuned as well, communicative, receptive, and open. He understood my struggle, respected my boundaries, and honored the process I needed to go through to align with “Yes” between both body and heart. It was beautiful, and I could not have asked for better.
Shortly thereafter, I met someone else whom I dated for nine months. We didn’t get deeply involved, it was very light and casual, but the extended time together was good to experience. Through that I gained some traction in the world of intimacy and learned a lot. I’m continuing to grow in this area of my life, and it is still somewhat strange to be so new at something that most people my age have near decades of experience in.
In a way, my waiting was a gift, to both myself and my partners. I crossed the threshold as a grown woman. I am overall secure in myself. I can handle my emotions. I’ve dealt with my stuff. I have no body hangups, and with a relatively clean slate, I have no big relationship hangups either. I’m curious and enthusiastic and willing to evolve.
On the other side of a grueling wait for it, I gotta say, sex is much easier and more fun than I ever thought. It feels delightfully natural. Effortless. When I was still a virgin, I wondered if the learning curve might be a bit much. As it was, I didn’t really enjoy kissing. It was awkward and uncomfortable. I would be too much in my head, too focused on my boundaries and not crossing the line. After I got over the hump (ha), everything flowed, kissing and all.
If I could do it over again, I would have addressed my personal blocks to intimacy much, much sooner. Still, I can honestly admire myself for sticking to my own vision and values despite everyone (family, culture, society, Hollywood, etc.) telling me otherwise.
In the name of truth and vulnerability, I was originally going to call this post “30 Year Old Virgin”. (Yep, that’s how old I was when it happened!) However, I did not want to put the label on myself, even as a blog post title. That part of my story is done. I can’t believe it took so long. Thank goodness, the Great Wait is over.
At least, it is physically.
The wait for love is another story…
…Until next post! xo