33 Days of Truth: Day 4
I wrote over 1,000 words last night for what I intended to be my Day 4 post, but with all that I still only got about halfway through the ideas I wanted to express on the particular topic. I felt, as for the other days of the challenge thus far, excited and inspired. It flowed, and I went to bed looking forward to continuing the post…
Off and on throughout the night, however, I awoke with a vague sense of apprehension. My mind swirled with doubt. Did I write too much? Am I oversharing? Does anybody really need to know this much about me? It was feeling like unnecessary disclosure and gratuitous self expression; overly indulgent. Just talking about me and my life. Ugh. Maybe I should post about something else…
I’ve always had a tendency (some would say a neurotic one) for overthinking things in my life.
When it’s done in a negative vein, which is how it has most often played out in the past, this trait pulls me into a downward spiral, looping me around and around in my head. It becomes a destructive force; I self-sabotage, getting stuck in analysis paralysis, unable to move forward. (If you read my Day 3 post, you may recognize here yet another sneaky mask worn by Resistance!)
At the same time though, I love to think. Getting to spend quiet time following the trail of my thoughts, either in my head or through journaling, is an activity of great pleasure to me. When it is done constructively, my inclination for thinking a lot is a fun and a valuable skill. I’m able to dive in, ask a lot of questions, connect dots, and discover more meaning and wisdom from life. I can reach greater clarity and understanding. It becomes deep thinking, rather than overthinking.
As I lean into this 33 Days of Truth challenge, I’m having to address the ebb and flow between confidence and self-doubt, and the thoughts that come tagging along. On the one hand, I’m having so much fun and am super inspired writing this stuff. On the other, I feel self-conscious and over-exposed. It is fair to have these thoughts. They are legit. But it bears considering: Which thought direction is going to propel me forward in a meaningful way, and which will hold me back?
The beauty of my 33 Day challenge is that I don’t really have time to overthink much. The focus is on creation and completion, with fast turnaround. I have to write and publish something every day. Thus I can’t expend a lot of energy on second guessing myself, debating back and forth, or editing every little detail.
I also have to let go of the fear that I’m oversharing, due to the time crunch. I simply need to trust whatever comes out and let the chips fall where they may.
It is still important to be mindful of what I write, to ensure I am being real and honest, staying close to the heart of this growth experiment. But at the end of the day, I can only give what I’ve got. Sometimes that’s a little, and sometimes that’s a lot. (And sometimes, it rhymes!)
That’s essentially what vulnerability and being authentic is about. To tell the truth about who you are, you have to take a risk to be willing to be fully seen, heard, and yes, even judged. And who cares? Aren’t we all doing it in our heads to ourselves anyway?
This has definitely been a lifelong learning curve for me. Step by step, I’m getting better at using my mental powers.
I think. 😉